I am, on balance, a fairly happy person.
I love the Lord, and I love my life. I feel content in most circumstances. Even if I get temporarily thrown off my usual stride, I can usually find my equilibrium, so to speak, pretty quickly.
You see, I like peace. I like to feel peaceful. I dislike anxiety, fretfulness and worry.
So, I'm learning to focus on my Lord, and to allow His peace to fill me.
That is why I have been extremely frustrated with my self the past month or so.
I have not felt very peaceful. I have been quite fretful. I have been grouchy, cantankerous, and (I say it to my shame) a tad unforgiving lately.
And I don't like being that way!
I have been unhappy with myself that I am feeling unhappy with others and with life in general.
Then, this morning, I was working with Isaac, listening to the music playing in his room, and I just burst into tears.
The song was about Heaven. I hear songs about Heaven several times every day. I don't usually break down over them.
This song, however, was about our friends and loved ones who are already in Heaven, how we miss them, and how happy we will be to see them again.
Then I remembered.
I am still grieving over losing Gail.
Don't get me wrong. I think about Gail every day – usually more than once a day. I mostly think of things that I want to tell her — then I remember that I can't. So, I move my thoughts on to something else, and get on with my day.
But grief eventually needs its outlet, doesn't it?
I can't keep just pushing it aside for other things, because that's where the discontent comes from. That's why I'm so easily frustrated and angered and why I hold on to those feelings longer than usual.
I've pushed aside the grieving to get on with my life, but the sadness just isn't disappearing.
So, today, when I burst into tears, I should have just let those tears continue until I was finished with the crying. As usual, I stopped them so that I could go about my business.
I think the next time they start, I'm just going to indulge them for a little while. Maybe some of the anger, fretfulness, anxiety, unforgiveness with flow away with the tears.
Yeah, so I remembered I'm still grieving. That's ok. I think I will just give myself a little break today, and grieve for my sweet friend who I am missing so very much.
Our God is such a great God to create us to feel so many emotions, and then build into our very bodies the outlet for those emotions: tears, laughter, and the huge array in between the two.
I almost wonder that if I allow myself to cry, I will find that my laughter returns as well.
I just think it might.